Eating leaves

Today brought a funny experience. Whilst cycling to work in the morning I pass a lot of hedgerow. Right now there are lots of hawthorn bushes coming into leaf. The thought came to mind last time I passed these bushes that young hawthorn leaves are apparently good to eat. I remembered this today and at one point stopped pedalling and let the bike come to a stop right next to some young hawthorn leaves. The leaves were such a vibrant colour green as they unfurled from the buds. There was a fascination with them and I picked some and ate them. My attention was focused on the sensation of eating the leaves and then I felt it was time to go. As I turned to start pedalling the bike again there was a man walking toward me only about 2 metres away. There was such a strong temptation to recoil and withdraw! "How did he get there? I didn't realise anyone was nearby. He will think I'm crazy eating leaves from a tree, how can I hide what I've been doing from him? He must have seen. There's nothing I can do. I can't pretend to be 'normal' so I'll just get out of here as fast as I can." Pedalling away at speed I managed to smile at him but with the sense of keeping him at arms length.

Before I reached the end of the road there was an awareness of the reaction that had just arisen and that it was a funny response. How funny that eating leaves was used as an excuse to justify the possibility of attack. In the moment it seemed perfectly logical that there should be fear arising in response to being seen eating leaves. As the mind became more open to enquiry the response became questionable rather than logical. What had arisen in the mind? I felt as though I'd been caught doing something unexplainable. As though he had been witness to a state of intimacy that the thinking mind had judged as abnormal. There was a sense of needing to 'cover up' what had just happened and pretend that I was 'normal.'

I need to hide what I am experiencing.

1) Is that true for me?
Felt true in that first moment but now I see that it is not true for me.

3)How do I react when I invest faith in the thought that I need to hide what I'm experiencing?
I am suspicious of my brothe. I see him as a threat. I want to deny what I was doing. I want to disappear. I feel very uncomfortable. I want to change the past. I want him to disappear. I don't want to see him and I don't want him to see me.

4)What would it be like if it were impossible for the thought to arise that I need to hide what I'm experiencing?
There would be an open-mindedness. Willingness to remain in the experience of intimacy. Absence of judgement. Peace of mind. Meeting my brother where he is.

Turnaround
I don't need to hide what I am experiencing.

*Uncovering what I was experiencing when I was with J brought a direct experience of Love in action.

*Uncovering what I experience when I am with M allows Holy Spirit to show me new ways of looking at thoughts.

*Uncovering thoughts by questioning them brings clarity and vision.

I look forward to the thought arising that I need to hide what I am experiencing again.

I look forward to the opportunity to choose again, to see what would happen if I am willing to rest openly in my experience.

Thank you Holy Spirit for bringing me everything that needs to be seen with Your Vision. I trust you and Your Purpose. In joy and laughter we continue this journey together.

Esther