I recently received two invitations, one to take part in a music performance in Tehran and one being offered a free ticket to go to a music festival. I had been reading posts made on the yahoo study group for NTI that dealt with this very question and reading them was very helpful in looking at the whole decision making process.
With the first decision I felt guided not to take part in this performance. What then came to light was the fact that almost no one around me could understand my reason for not accepting the invitation. It seemed obvious to everyone else that it was a fantastic opportunity and that I might 'lose out' on future possibilities by 'turning down' this one. Well, I did get confused a couple of times by listening to the 'arguments' presented to me, including the one that 'sometimes you learn more by going ahead with something just to see what happens.' However, when I stopped to consider the options I knew I did not want to place my faith in the idea that it is possible to 'miss out' on something. I choose to believe that I am given everything that I need and I don't need to act from fear that I will lose out. The bottom line was that I didn't want any action I took to be from a place of fear. I knew that if I felt guided to go then I would be equally happy to carry out that action.
The second invitation I found more confusing because I didn't feel any guidance. I asked and asked what would be the best thing to do and didn't feel any sense that one would be better than another. This is just about the point where I realised that I was insisting that one option MUST be preferable to another!! Another lesson in mind watching. I then wrote that-
The one thing more important to me than any action taken by the body is to hear Your Voice, to know that I am Your Servant. It matters not where I go or what I do. My only desire is that I serve One Mind, that I am open to receive That of which fear cannot conceive.
At that point I was clear that it made no difference whatsoever whether I accepted the offer of the ticket or not. What mattered was that having made this decision I gave the resulting time over to the Holy Spirit to use that time to teach me what I need to learn. I got the understanding that Holy Spirit could teach me equally well whether the body went to the festival or did not go. I could put my faith in my teacher.
On the level of the thinking mind there appears to be the possibility of contradiction in my experience. The thinking mind would ask "How can it be true that guidance is real and also be true that it matters not what you do?" Well, it seems from my experience that the most important thing is Self Honesty; to look honestly, openly and without judgement at the thoughts arising in the mind in each and every situation. It is true that it matters not what I do, in the sense that the end is sure, we have already accepted the atonement. On the other hand, whilst there are still thoughts in the mind showing up in experience to 'prove' that separation is real, guidance can be very helpful.
4 August 2007
Desire and surrender
It recently became clear to me that I had a desire for a change in form, in my 'work' situation. This was something that I would once have regarded as the first stage to making a decision. There would have been such thoughts as: I want a change in my job, now I need to decide the best way to go about that. What kind of job should I look for? Shall I stay in the same city? Is the money I earn an issue? etc. Once upon a time I would have failed to see the common thread prompting all of those questions- “What will make me happy?” This time when I saw a desire for an outward change I gave it wholeheartedly to the Holy Spirit. I stated that there was a desire for a change in form in my work situation but that I put no expectation whatsoever on how that change might manifest. I asked ONLY that this change might bring the opportunity to accept the atonement for myself. I knew that only THIS would make me happy! I asked in full confidence that Holy Spirit cannot fail to bring me the opportunity for greater alignment with the Mind of God. I realised that I didn't care about any of the questions that would usually have arisen. I don't care what kind of job it is as long as it helps me to accept the atonement. I don't care if I stay in the same place or not as long as it helps me to accept the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
As I did this there was no doubt in my mind that I was asking for something that I deserved. I knew that I was asking for something that I would want for EVERY human being on this planet. We deserve the Peace of God, we deserve to know that the message the Holy Spirit offers us is one that we want to learn. I knew that this prayer was not of the ego, I knew that I was acknowledging a thought which arose from form (a desire for change in my work situation) but that I was letting go of the need to control or judge that desire and surrendering the thought to the power of the Holy Spirit. I knew that I could put my faith in Holy Spirit to bring about a change that would aid me in my purpose of accepting only His thoughts in the mind. I also realised that Esther (the thinking mind) had no way to evaluate what kind of outward situation would be most helpful in order to facilitate the change of mind that I requested. Once again, it was entirely logical to hand over this request to Holy Spirit who sees all and knows all.
After surrendering in this way I realised that this prayer applied to absolutely everything that seemed to stem from a desire for change in form. What a joy to release the need to see this desire manifested in a particular form. I can't explain in words the experience of allowing desire and truly feeling that desire with every fibre of my being, knowing that "I ask not for form but only for content." For so long the mind had placed a veto on desire, judging it as wrong. What a joy to truly feel in every cell of the body that "It matters not what form it takes, I will recognise that which comes from the Mind of God and give it welcome in my heart."
As I did this there was no doubt in my mind that I was asking for something that I deserved. I knew that I was asking for something that I would want for EVERY human being on this planet. We deserve the Peace of God, we deserve to know that the message the Holy Spirit offers us is one that we want to learn. I knew that this prayer was not of the ego, I knew that I was acknowledging a thought which arose from form (a desire for change in my work situation) but that I was letting go of the need to control or judge that desire and surrendering the thought to the power of the Holy Spirit. I knew that I could put my faith in Holy Spirit to bring about a change that would aid me in my purpose of accepting only His thoughts in the mind. I also realised that Esther (the thinking mind) had no way to evaluate what kind of outward situation would be most helpful in order to facilitate the change of mind that I requested. Once again, it was entirely logical to hand over this request to Holy Spirit who sees all and knows all.
After surrendering in this way I realised that this prayer applied to absolutely everything that seemed to stem from a desire for change in form. What a joy to release the need to see this desire manifested in a particular form. I can't explain in words the experience of allowing desire and truly feeling that desire with every fibre of my being, knowing that "I ask not for form but only for content." For so long the mind had placed a veto on desire, judging it as wrong. What a joy to truly feel in every cell of the body that "It matters not what form it takes, I will recognise that which comes from the Mind of God and give it welcome in my heart."
Using a notebook
I have recently been using a very small notebook to jot down any thoughts that seem to be causing confusion, or any thoughts given from the Holy Spirit. This is something I have thought to do many times before but always got stuck on the thought that a big book would be impractical to carry around and a small book would fill up too quickly! Ha ha.
I finally allowed the possibility of getting a book small enough to carry everywhere and simply finding out how long that would last before assuming it to be impractical. Well, I've been using it now for just under 2 weeks and it is only a quarter full :-) This practice has been extremely helpful for me, as it takes no time at all to remember what I really want when there is consistency in the response. Each time I take a confused thought to 'the book' and reach a point of clarity it reinforces my desire for the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
I finally allowed the possibility of getting a book small enough to carry everywhere and simply finding out how long that would last before assuming it to be impractical. Well, I've been using it now for just under 2 weeks and it is only a quarter full :-) This practice has been extremely helpful for me, as it takes no time at all to remember what I really want when there is consistency in the response. Each time I take a confused thought to 'the book' and reach a point of clarity it reinforces my desire for the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
3 August 2007
The Joy of Practising
I am so grateful for the opportunity to practise remembrance. Truly I feel as though the Heavenly Hosts are with me and alongside me as I encounter these opportunities to practise.
The Story…
Today I found out that I had ‘forgotten’ to take back some videos that my friend had rented before leaving town. I remembered saying that I would take them back, but it was not until today when she returned (13 days later) that she reminded me and so I was aware once again that they needed to be returned. So, I had forgotten. It was only at this point that I found out that the rental place she uses charges full price per day so there would be a large amount of money owing. I was not aware of this fact before.
There was an immediate experience of anger and I picked up the videos and left the house straight away to return them. As I was walking down the street I saw an advert on the bus stop with the words “You remembered…” This made me laugh, although in a sarcastic fashion at this point, as the thought came to mind “If only I had remembered.” As I got to the shop I felt ‘resigned’ to the situation and handed the videos over saying “I said I’d bring these back for a friend but I forgot and so can you tell me how much is owing.” He said the bill was £78 but offered to make it £30. I thanked him very much and handed over my card. After paying he handed me back the card and said that everything was clear now. As I walked out of the shop I realised that I didn’t really feel much better even though he had cut the bill by more than 50%. This surprised me and I decided to sit down and observe the thoughts that were going through my mind.
I wrote down:
If I’d known how ‘serious’ it was I would have known to return them sooner.
If I’d had awareness of the consequences I would have acted differently.
I then wondered what was ‘serious’ about the situation…
That what had previously been considered a fairly insignificant action was now perceived as having a different value. I didn’t blame my friend for not having told me at the time how much it would cost per day if I didn’t return them. She simply assumed that I would. A logical assumption it seemed. However it did seem that I had made an ‘expensive’ mistake which I would not have chosen if I had known the outcome. On the one hand it felt unfair as I didn’t know the outcome, and yet there was no-one to blame.
Aha, here I saw an opportunity for a re-frame: If the outcome is to give me the opportunity to look at thoughts in the mind in an uncensored and immediate way then it is something that I would have chosen. Here at last I could see that I was not a victim of an outside circumstance. Up until that point it had seemed so obvious that no-one in their right mind (!*!) would forget to take back a video and run up a bill of £78, that it took a moment to let go of the story and to see the content in the mind.
I am not alone. I am not an individual person with individual responsibilities. I am not the creator of mySelf. I am part of the Sonship, part of One Mind. The seeming actions of Esther the body do not affect my identity in Christ. There is no separate mind of Esther that is responsible for the actions of this body alone. We are One. I received no prompts to return the videos, the very thought of them was absent from my mind after my friend left town. Interestingly, after returning home and speaking to my friend we discovered that she had had more than one prompt to ring me and remind me to take back the videos but she had not acted upon them thinking instead that “Esther had said she would return them so she will.”
Instead of saying “No-one in their right mind would forget to take back a video and run up a bill of £78” I could say “No-one in their right mind would let go of an opportunity to receive the Gifts offered by the Holy Spirit. No-one in their right mind would say no to the chance to loosen the root of fear in awareness.” When these thoughts came to mind there was no question of which purpose I would rather accept. Once I was able to see the real choice that I was making it was easy to follow the heart.
I understand that I can only shine the light by looking upon the darkness. I see that this experience in form was a 'real time' opportunity to allow the darkness to surface and yet to remain clear in my purpose. I am willing to allow mistaken thoughts to reach the surface. I am grateful for this opportunity to see thoughts arising from the belief in separation and to choose again. I am grateful for such an immediate and direct lesson, full of feeling and emotion.
When responding to the form of the story there was a thought “I have needlessly (through forgetfulness) given away something of value (£78) by not recognising where the value lay" (in remembering to return the videos.) But this is only true if I have been mistaken about that which holds value. I am free to choose where I place value.
I know what I value, and that is surrender to the Holy Spirit. I value the purpose of awakening and accepting the reality of One Mind. It matters not that thoughts arise in the mind which seem to ‘prove’ that the atonement has not yet been accepted (such as the thoughts of unfairness and anger I experienced.) There is no need to judge the thoughts that speak for separation. The house that is built upon the rock cannot fall.
In Gratitude
Esther
The Story…
Today I found out that I had ‘forgotten’ to take back some videos that my friend had rented before leaving town. I remembered saying that I would take them back, but it was not until today when she returned (13 days later) that she reminded me and so I was aware once again that they needed to be returned. So, I had forgotten. It was only at this point that I found out that the rental place she uses charges full price per day so there would be a large amount of money owing. I was not aware of this fact before.
There was an immediate experience of anger and I picked up the videos and left the house straight away to return them. As I was walking down the street I saw an advert on the bus stop with the words “You remembered…” This made me laugh, although in a sarcastic fashion at this point, as the thought came to mind “If only I had remembered.” As I got to the shop I felt ‘resigned’ to the situation and handed the videos over saying “I said I’d bring these back for a friend but I forgot and so can you tell me how much is owing.” He said the bill was £78 but offered to make it £30. I thanked him very much and handed over my card. After paying he handed me back the card and said that everything was clear now. As I walked out of the shop I realised that I didn’t really feel much better even though he had cut the bill by more than 50%. This surprised me and I decided to sit down and observe the thoughts that were going through my mind.
I wrote down:
If I’d known how ‘serious’ it was I would have known to return them sooner.
If I’d had awareness of the consequences I would have acted differently.
I then wondered what was ‘serious’ about the situation…
That what had previously been considered a fairly insignificant action was now perceived as having a different value. I didn’t blame my friend for not having told me at the time how much it would cost per day if I didn’t return them. She simply assumed that I would. A logical assumption it seemed. However it did seem that I had made an ‘expensive’ mistake which I would not have chosen if I had known the outcome. On the one hand it felt unfair as I didn’t know the outcome, and yet there was no-one to blame.
Aha, here I saw an opportunity for a re-frame: If the outcome is to give me the opportunity to look at thoughts in the mind in an uncensored and immediate way then it is something that I would have chosen. Here at last I could see that I was not a victim of an outside circumstance. Up until that point it had seemed so obvious that no-one in their right mind (!*!) would forget to take back a video and run up a bill of £78, that it took a moment to let go of the story and to see the content in the mind.
I am not alone. I am not an individual person with individual responsibilities. I am not the creator of mySelf. I am part of the Sonship, part of One Mind. The seeming actions of Esther the body do not affect my identity in Christ. There is no separate mind of Esther that is responsible for the actions of this body alone. We are One. I received no prompts to return the videos, the very thought of them was absent from my mind after my friend left town. Interestingly, after returning home and speaking to my friend we discovered that she had had more than one prompt to ring me and remind me to take back the videos but she had not acted upon them thinking instead that “Esther had said she would return them so she will.”
Instead of saying “No-one in their right mind would forget to take back a video and run up a bill of £78” I could say “No-one in their right mind would let go of an opportunity to receive the Gifts offered by the Holy Spirit. No-one in their right mind would say no to the chance to loosen the root of fear in awareness.” When these thoughts came to mind there was no question of which purpose I would rather accept. Once I was able to see the real choice that I was making it was easy to follow the heart.
I understand that I can only shine the light by looking upon the darkness. I see that this experience in form was a 'real time' opportunity to allow the darkness to surface and yet to remain clear in my purpose. I am willing to allow mistaken thoughts to reach the surface. I am grateful for this opportunity to see thoughts arising from the belief in separation and to choose again. I am grateful for such an immediate and direct lesson, full of feeling and emotion.
When responding to the form of the story there was a thought “I have needlessly (through forgetfulness) given away something of value (£78) by not recognising where the value lay" (in remembering to return the videos.) But this is only true if I have been mistaken about that which holds value. I am free to choose where I place value.
I know what I value, and that is surrender to the Holy Spirit. I value the purpose of awakening and accepting the reality of One Mind. It matters not that thoughts arise in the mind which seem to ‘prove’ that the atonement has not yet been accepted (such as the thoughts of unfairness and anger I experienced.) There is no need to judge the thoughts that speak for separation. The house that is built upon the rock cannot fall.
In Gratitude
Esther
1 August 2007
More reflections about sleep
Yesterday I found my mind wondering what I was going to learn about when waking up this morning. I also noticed some fear that the experience I have been having recently might stop happening. When I looked more closely at what was meant by 'stop happening' I realised that even if my experience of the body waking in the morning changed once more it would not mean that the Holy Spirit had 'left' me! It served to remind me just how important mind watching is.
I notice the thought and realise that it is not a reflection of my true identity. It is not that anything has to happen to the thought "I'm afraid that Holy Spirit might leave me" it is just to see that the 'me' who thinks that thought is not my true identity. Once I realise that, I remember with gratitude that Holy Spirit cannot fail to enter where invited and that it takes only willingness and invitation for His Voice to be present. I then make once again the decision to learn what He would teach. Holy Spirit I know that Your Gifts are all that I desire. I am willing to learn what You would teach. The thought which states that experience is at the mercy of an 'outside' force is simply not true.
This morning as the body went through the process of awakening from sleep confusion was present. After allowing this and embracing it a new realisation dawned. When the thought arises- 'I want to go back to sleep' -it stems from a real desire, which is to Let Go. This was a wonderful realisation as it brought with it an experience of certainty. Here was desire without guilt! There is a desire to let go and this is not an attempt to escape responsibility, it is not an escape from something which cannot be faced, it is not something of which to be ashamed. As I acknowledge the desire to let go I release the wish to be anything other that That which I Am, and this is a blessed experience. The body then, is released from it's false position as originator of experience (the body is tired I must go back to sleep) and once again becomes a learning device reflecting the thoughts held in One Mind (I desire to let go of false identification and to rest in God.)
I offer my gratitude for the Gift given of God, the Voice which reminds us of the Love we are. TRULY I desire only the Gifts that You have to offer.
I notice the thought and realise that it is not a reflection of my true identity. It is not that anything has to happen to the thought "I'm afraid that Holy Spirit might leave me" it is just to see that the 'me' who thinks that thought is not my true identity. Once I realise that, I remember with gratitude that Holy Spirit cannot fail to enter where invited and that it takes only willingness and invitation for His Voice to be present. I then make once again the decision to learn what He would teach. Holy Spirit I know that Your Gifts are all that I desire. I am willing to learn what You would teach. The thought which states that experience is at the mercy of an 'outside' force is simply not true.
This morning as the body went through the process of awakening from sleep confusion was present. After allowing this and embracing it a new realisation dawned. When the thought arises- 'I want to go back to sleep' -it stems from a real desire, which is to Let Go. This was a wonderful realisation as it brought with it an experience of certainty. Here was desire without guilt! There is a desire to let go and this is not an attempt to escape responsibility, it is not an escape from something which cannot be faced, it is not something of which to be ashamed. As I acknowledge the desire to let go I release the wish to be anything other that That which I Am, and this is a blessed experience. The body then, is released from it's false position as originator of experience (the body is tired I must go back to sleep) and once again becomes a learning device reflecting the thoughts held in One Mind (I desire to let go of false identification and to rest in God.)
I offer my gratitude for the Gift given of God, the Voice which reminds us of the Love we are. TRULY I desire only the Gifts that You have to offer.
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