The last three days I have been inspired to go back to workbook lessons starting with the lesson which was presented when I opened the book 'randomly.' Yesterday I was on lesson 77 "I am entitled to miracles" and had such an amazing day...
Lesson 77
I am entitled to miracles.
09:00am
Be gentle with yourself today. Look to me in all things. Let me be the one who speaks through you today. Let my knowledge be given you today. You need only concern yourself with awareness of your willingness to hear My voice.
You are entitled to see differently.
13:00 at work
Holy Spirit I feel as though I am struggling with the lesson for today.
Child, join me as I watch from above the battleground, in truth you are safe with me far above this seeming fray. There is nothing to fear in seeing an apparent battle. Seeing this apparent sight does not mean that you are in danger. Feeling this struggle does not affect your ability to connect with miracle mindedness. Notice a strong willingness to believe what this feeling of struggle would tell you about your identity. Notice that this is a pattern which the ego would use to convince you that there is proof you are separate. The ego seems to produce compelling evidence- “you don’t know what a miracle is, you won’t succeed in understanding the lesson of the day, you will not get out of this confusion you are in, you won’t gain any benefit from the lesson unless you understand it, take ownership of it, you’re not sure so you won’t succeed.”
It seems as though it is about success. Success appears to be linked with progress, with doing something and yet the Holy Spirit teaches that I need do nothing. Miracles come from Spirit, from the Oneness and it is not up to me to determine the content or the form. I need only be willing.
Holy Spirit I AM willing to look to you. I WOULD hear your words, your voice. I DO trust in you. This IS real because I feel it in my heart. I trust in my willingness. I know that You are with me. My desire is to open my heart that I might learn miracle mindedness. Your voice has been given me that learning this will be inevitable.
01:00am
Wow, what an amazing teacher! Thank you Holy Spirit for Your sight. I gladly accept Your vision, I will only to see what You would show me through your grace.
Some of my colleagues from work spontaneously decided to have a barbeque tonight and I was invited. I said yes straight away and felt sure in being guided to make that response. We had a wonderful evening and I kept saying how perfect the whole evening was, everything was so effortless and there was much laughter and sharing and enjoyment. However at around midnight I started to be aware of feeling nauseous. I have had a phobia about being physically sick for a long time and once this feeling was present I noticed a lot of thoughts coming up in response to that. There was a definite temptation to believe in judgment and use “reason” to reinforce the idea that all is not perfect. I noticed such thoughts as “I should not have drunk so much, if I was the Child of God I would not do such things as to drink this amount of wine, to smoke joints etc. I’ve obviously slipped into a pattern of following the ego.”
Thank You Holy Spirit for your constant watch over me, and readiness to respond the moment that I call out to you.
As I felt sick the first response was to judge- “I’ve definitely gone the wrong way now. A Child of God wouldn’t be dumb enough to get herself into this kind of situation- overindulging etc” The second response was to fall into old habits of attempting to repress the physical urge to be sick. The third response was to allow rest and the opportunity for my real desire to emerge. At that point I realised that I could say in a heartfelt manner that all I wanted was to know myself as the Child of God, to know myself as I am in truth and not in experience. As I sunk to my knees on the floor of the bathroom, in front of the toilet, I knew that as I voiced these words they were heartfelt but I also noticed a thought in my mind that jumped in very quickly reasoning that as my truth is to see that I am not a body being physically sick would not help me in any way to reach this realisation. Only dimly aware of this thought I was still unwilling to surrender entirely to Spirit. As I stood in the bathroom of my friend’s house I was aware that there were two ways of looking at the situation and that I was responsible for making a decision but there was a strong willingness to surrender to the thought that “I am not entirely willing to surrender to the apparent “physical” symptoms, I won’t be able to accept the consequences, I’m not sure I can do this.” However, at the same time I was still aware, however dimly, that there was another choice and there was a possibility of making that choice. As I felt the urge to be sick I let go enough to allow a full retch believing that at that point I had surrendered. However, I discovered that nothing came out as my throat closed up as the stomach heaved. For a moment I felt relieved that I had gone further than ever before in letting go and that I had done the best I could, it wasn’t my fault if it simply couldn’t come out. I got up and realised that the waves of nausea hadn’t completely disappeared and stood transfixed once again. I also had an aversion to other bodies being around while I felt like this, whilst conversely wishing that someone would tell me that it was OK in such a way that I would feel 100% reassured. As my friends came into the kitchen I forced myself to unlock the bathroom door and speak to them, despite this fear of being sick around others whilst simultaneously not wanting to be on my own. I saw the complete impossibility of having both thoughts at the same time and that in that moment I chose to acknowledge the others as being there, hearing the fear and yet choosing to engage with them anyway. I was seeking for reassurance but I didn’t know what for. What I did know, however, was that when they said “It’s ok to be sick, no-one enjoys it but you’ll feel better afterward” I did not feel reassured in the way I had imagined. Once I had noticed the thought that they were not giving me the reassurance I felt I wanted I was able to let that thought go. As I did so I acknowledged that in some way I had been hoping that someone else could take away the fear for me. As I let go of that false desire I realised that their response definitely supported me in holding the idea that being sick would be a helpful thing. They had also let me know that they did not judge my being sick as a bad thing beyond the fact that it’s not the most pleasant sensation in the world. These two thoughts did help me and strengthened my willingness to consider the possibility that I might be physically sick-even though I couldn’t really imagine going through with it. The thought then occurred to me that I could take a walk down the lane outside the house (they live in the countryside) as movement generally stimulated the sensation of nausea. I felt that in that way I would carry out an action that showed trust in the possibility of being sick. By actively choosing to walk I would demonstrate the ability to act in the face of fear rather than retreating. As I walked out onto the lane I was struck by the beauty of the sky, stars and moon. The sensation of nausea did not strike me particularly hard at this point and there was the thought that maybe the experience was going to end there.
However the next moment it was as if I heard myself calling out that I was willing to do whatever it takes to know myself as I am. I heard myself make this statement twice in a completely committed way, and it was also extremely clear in my mind as I heard the words in my head that in that moment there was absolutely no hint of a prescription as to how that might manifest. There was absolutely no judgment in that moment as to what might be required of me and whether I would be able to carry through.
Then it was as if I heard the words “whatever it takes?” echoed back to me and as I reflected upon that question I realised that the answer was a hearty yes. Yes, even if that meant having to take a physical action representing my willingness, such as reaching into the back of my mouth and touching my throat with my finger in the face of this fear (something which I had previously thought I could never do.) And so I did just that and felt my stomach heave once more and nothing come out as my throat closed up. This time, I sank to my knees in the grass and noticed myself, for the first time, holding the thought that it must be possible to allow the throat to be open while the stomach was heaving. I decided that if the heaving returned I wanted to hold in my mind the intention of allowing the throat to be open. As the next wave came I held onto this thought as to the mainsail of my boat in the storm and felt the full force of the act of vomiting. And there was the thought clear as day “I’m going to die, I have to stop it, If this doesn’t stop then I will die.” And then the wave passed. I was amazed by the clarity of the moment and by the fact that this experience surfaced so suddenly and unexpectedly and was then so quickly gone. Almost straight away I felt another wave of retching approaching and I held close once more to the same intention, to allow the throat to open. As the action of vomiting occurred for the second time I felt the exact same emotion, the same thought and understood in that moment that the fear associated with those thoughts would never again need to be hidden. In that moment I knew I was safe, I knew that it was just a thought, and that the power came from the thought and not from the physical act of vomiting. By allowing the vomiting I was not allowing the possibility that the body would actually die, but rather I was allowing the chance to let go of the misperception that the physical act was responsible for the feeling that I was experiencing.
When I was about 9 years old I fell off my bicycle whilst travelling at a fairly fast speed and hit the side of my head as I fell off, knocking myself unconscious. I regained consciousness briefly as my parents took me to the hospital in the car but I felt extremely disembodied and disoriented. The last memory I had, connected with the accident, was of being on a trolley in the hospital and being really sick and seeing an unreasonably large amount of strange coloured vomit in front of me. I was in hospital for three days. I don’t recall how long it was before I regained consciousness. In the moment today when I consciously invited the action of vomiting to occur I allowed myself to access this experience which, up until now, I had hidden where I did not want to find it! As a 9 year old I experienced the thought that I was responsible for ensuring my own safety, that it was up to me to stop this endless vomiting, that there was nothing in control, I was scared, what if I couldn’t stop it, what if I died? I had to stop it, there was no doubt in my mind at that moment.
And yet this evening the Holy Spirit heard my prayers and drew me to a situation where I could allow this darkness to be seen whilst looking from the light. I am able to view the situation with compassion, not blaming the 9 year old for having those thoughts in mind but knowing that I am now in a position to choose differently. It is not that I was wrong for having those thoughts in mind, but that as an adult I can now choose to view those thoughts as being mistaken. As an adult I can experience the full impact of those thoughts and yet look with the Holy Spirit. What a blessing.
I cannot begin to express my gratitude as this moment of right mindedness spread peace throughout the one Mind. I knew that Holy Spirit was right with me, I knew that Holy Spirit had answered my prayer, I knew that I had been given an opportunity to find faith in trust, I knew that everything is perfect in His sight. Such knowledge, such certainty brings immense gratitude. I saw that there was indeed perfection in the unfolding of all events if we allow His Purpose to shine through and I would not have it any other way. I did not want to change a single thing in the whole experience. I felt humbled in having had the opportunity to really experience the strength of my own conviction, the faith which exists within.
A miracle indeed! A wondrous event to feel the full import of stating with no reservation my true desire, to know myself whatever it takes.
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